Trying hard to understand what i'm feeling at this point in time. Didn't realize that whatever he said about leaving would hit so hard. I am at a loss, i don't know how to react. I mean he's only leaving church, its not like we're not gonna be together anymore or anything like that. Its just that i never expected things to happen like that. Never thought that it'll hit that hard and everything like that.

I haven't been interested in this stuff for so long. Said that i'd try to get more interested, try to put in more effort, give it all more attention and stuff like that, but from the time i said i'd try, it has just been a downhill ride. I just kept getting worst. And now, i feel like giving this whole thing up completely. Feel that this doesn't make sense anymore, that its just a complete show. Yeah, masquerade, facade. Whatever you wish to call it.

Go ahead, call me emo. Call me crazy.

But i really have no idea how to describe this feeling. It is completely screwed. I cannot blame brian for leaving. He has been getting so fucking much shit from this place although he has given it all he has for so long. Yeah, perhaps its time for him to leave. But at the thought of that, sometimes i get frustrated. Upset, annoyed. He can leave. I can't. My parents will never let that happen. Well, i thought of a few ways. A few ways to try to leave this all behind. To attempt to get interested or however you wanna say. Just try to move on, leave this shit and not be bothered or have it haunt me. No reminders whatsoever.

I am at a lost as to what to do. I am just lost.
Brian, i'm sorry.

I THINK I NEED A NEW TOWN,
TO LEAVE THIS ALL BEHIND